The priest leading the discussion was hysterical and has been leading Marriage Encounter retreats for years. He was so funny and insightful that I could have listened to him all night. His points were very basic/common sense, but he explained them in unique ways that really resonated with me. Here are a few that stuck out (although I know I won't do him justice):
- Forget the idea of the "soul mate." So many of the struggling couples he meets with after 15 years decide, "I just don't think this person is my soul mate." This image we have in our heads of a perfect soul mate is constantly reinforced by dating sites and pop culture telling you there is one person just waiting for you out there that will make you complete. Fr. Richard said that is not the case because no one you meet will ever be perfect for you, everyone is flawed. Too many relationships fail because they imagine that perfect soul mate still out there waiting for them and that perfection is impossible to find.
I am extremely guilty of this stereotype. I have been in two amazing (long term) relationships and ended both because I didnt want to settle down at such a young age. However, there is also the counterpart of my head that says if I keep looking for perfection and "what else is out there," I am setting myself up for failure. What if he really was the "one" for me and I won't ever find it again because I was so busy looking for the perfection that "completes me." So I am going to listen to Fr. Richard and forget about the "soul mate" and focus on finding someone whose positive traits outweigh the imperfections every man has.
- A wedding isn't about two souls uniting as one. A wedding is God's blessing/approval of the commitment two people are making "'til death do us part."
Being the romantic that I am, it is so easy to get wrapped up in the "union of souls" (note: not soul MATE!) and fantasy wedding. But when you take away the dress, flowers, and fluff you see a wedding for what it is, a commitment before God with the support of your family and friends behind you. Again, it sounds very basic but Fr. Richard said it much better than I just did! :o) When I used to work for the Alabama Healthy Marriage Initiative one of our billboards said, "Prepare more for your marriage than you do your wedding day" and that phrase has stuck with me ever since. I hope that some day when I'm wrapped up in my wedding plans someone reminds me of that!!
- When dating, look for someone with common virtues, not just common hobbies.
I think this has happened to me several times now. I date the person who is fun, likes to do the same things, and makes me laugh. Then after the first few dates I start to realize the core virtues I want in a partner don't align with his, but I'm having a good time with him so I tell myself that can be pushed to the side for now because I'm having fun. Fr. Richard is extremely correct and I need to break this habit because I should be dating people with virtues that reinforce mine and make me a stronger Christian. However on the flip side, just because someone is a Christian and shares the same virtues doesn't necessarily make them a good match for you. You can find someone with both.
I'm truly glad I decided to go last week because it gave me a lot to think about. It did not take me long after leaving Auburn to learn that dating in the "real world" is a whole new ball game. While I am not in any way on a man hunt or searching for "the one", I think these are things I need to remember while maneuvering my way through this new dating world and these ridiculous dating games. I watch my friends get engaged/married all the time now, so despite the fact that I am not actively looking for "forever love", I know God has a plan that I am unaware of and it could happen to me at any time.
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