Preparing for Marital Success LONG Before I Walk Down the Aisle!

Last Thursday I went to a NYC Catholic Young Adults event at St. Patrick's Cathedral. The topic was "Catholic Dating, Marriage....and Divorce", apparently I wasn't the only one interested in this topic because the room was PACKED. I certainly do not plan on getting married any time soon, but I am always enthusiastic about attending lectures on marriage. Divorce is every where I look and I'm not going to waste any time setting myself up for success, despite the fact that I may have not even met "the one" yet!

The priest leading the discussion was hysterical and has been leading Marriage Encounter retreats for years. He was so funny and insightful that I could have listened to him all night. His points were very basic/common sense, but he explained them in unique ways that really resonated with me. Here are a few that stuck out (although I know I won't do him justice):

• Forget the idea of the "soul mate." So many of the struggling couples he meets with after 15 years decide, "I just don't think this person is my soul mate." This image we have in our heads of a perfect soul mate is constantly reinforced by dating sites and pop culture telling you there is one person just waiting for you out there that will make you complete. Fr. Richard said that is not the case because no one you meet will ever be perfect for you, everyone is flawed. Too many relationships fail because they imagine that perfect soul mate still out there waiting for them and that perfection is impossible to find.

I am extremely guilty of this stereotype. I have been in two amazing (long term) relationships and ended both because I didnt want to settle down at such a young age. However, there is also the counterpart of my head that says if I keep looking for perfection and "what else is out there," I am setting myself up for failure. What if he really was the "one" for me and I won't ever find it again because I was so busy looking for the perfection that "completes me." So I am going to listen to Fr. Richard and forget about the "soul mate" and focus on finding someone whose positive traits outweigh the imperfections every man has.

• A wedding isn't about two souls uniting as one. A wedding is God's blessing/approval of the commitment two people are making "'til death do us part."

Being the romantic that I am, it is so easy to get wrapped up in the "union of souls" (note: not soul MATE!) and fantasy wedding. But when you take away the dress, flowers, and fluff you see a wedding for what it is, a commitment before God with the support of your family and friends behind you. Again, it sounds very basic but Fr. Richard said it much better than I just did! :o) When I used to work for the Alabama Healthy Marriage Initiative one of our billboards said, "Prepare more for your marriage than you do your wedding day" and that phrase has stuck with me ever since. I hope that some day when I'm wrapped up in my wedding plans someone reminds me of that!!

• When dating, look for someone with common virtues, not just common hobbies.

I think this has happened to me several times now. I date the person who is fun, likes to do the same things, and makes me laugh. Then after the first few dates I start to realize the core virtues I want in a partner don't align with his, but I'm having a good time with him so I tell myself that can be pushed to the side for now because I'm having fun. Fr. Richard is extremely correct and I need to break this habit because I should be dating people with virtues that reinforce mine and make me a stronger Christian. However on the flip side, just because someone is a Christian and shares the same virtues doesn't necessarily make them a good match for you. You can find someone with both.

I'm truly glad I decided to go last week because it gave me a lot to think about. It did not take me long after leaving Auburn to learn that dating in the "real world" is a whole new ball game. While I am not in any way on a man hunt or searching for "the one", I think these are things I need to remember while maneuvering my way through this new dating world and these ridiculous dating games. I watch my friends get engaged/married all the time now, so despite the fact that I am not actively looking for "forever love", I know God has a plan that I am unaware of and it could happen to me at any time.

My First Manhattan Apartment

Last week I officially moved into my first apartment here in Manhattan. As you would expect, it's smaller than my college dorm room (disclaimer--Auburn dorms were wayyy bigger than others I have seen!) but actually a really great deal. Its extremely old school (I don't think it has been redecorated since the 70's) but I am rarely there so it doesn't bother me very much.

Webster Apartments is for women who are interning or just accepted full time jobs in the city. Yes, again a reminder of living dorm room style, but I actually really like it! First of all I feel very safe, the door is guarded 24 hours a day and they are extremely picky about this. Men are only allowed on the ground floor common areas and they must be accompanied at all times...I know daddy is a fan of this! :o)

On the bottom floor there is a dining room that serves breakfast and dinner (included in rent). The food really isn't that bad and in the morning there is always cereal and I can always eat the full salad/soup bar at night. The bathrooms are very clean and I have not had to wait on a shower yet (knock on wood).

As for my room I have a twin bed, decent size closet, vanity with chair, chair for guests, tall dresser, sink, and a book shelf. The bed was AWFUL at first but I went to Bed, Bath, and Beyond and bought a great fiber bed to go on top of it that makes sleeping much better. I'm on the 8th floor so it isn't too noisy and my end of the hall is very quiet. A maid comes in every day and makes my bed. Every Monday she does a full cleaning of my room. And mom said I would never have a maid to make my bed!!! :o)

There is a huge TV room with vending machines and lots of comfy chairs I go to about every night. I like it because you can always count on the popular show on that night to be playing and there are always a bunch of girls in there. So far I have met another girl from Auburn (in addition to my friend Amelia who told me about the place) and someone who went to USC and knows a bunch of Auburn people.

On top of the roof is a huge garden area with a great view that I look forward to enjoying as soon as the weather warms up!

Needless to say it doesn't come close to home, but I'm pretty lucky to find such a great deal here in the city. Heading to Atlanta this weekend and cannot WAIT to be back in my big house with my family and very comfy bed. :o)

Back in the Big Apple

It’s hard to imagine this time last week I was doing some last minute packing at home in Atlanta. The past week has been a whirlwind, but unlike the first time I moved up here in August, there was really no adjusting necessary. I arrived at LaGuardia airport Monday afternoon with two suitcases (packed to full capacity thanks to space saver bags!) and a carry on.

Tuesday was my first day of work and I spent the whole week in orientations and going through files on the computer trying to acclimate myself with the different Healthcare accounts I have been assigned. I’m not really sure what my day-to-day tasks will be for each of these accounts because last week was all orientation meetings. Starting this week I will begin receiving assignments; I’m pretty sure it’s just going to be a lot of research and account management tasks. Have to start somewhere!

I did manage to have fun last week though! Tuesday Aunt Joanne met me at Jeff’s in Hoboken for dinner. It was great to see her after such an overwhelming first day. Wednesday I met up with Peppercom friends for dinner/happy hour, and Friday my friend and I went out to dinner. Saturday we had brunch at Pastis and tried to get tickets to see Will Ferrel’s play but it was sold out so I went out with a bunch of my girlfriends for an old Peppercom intern’s birthday.

It was so great to see all of my friends this weekend because it was very hard for me to leave Atlanta again. I fell back into my comfort zone while home for 2 ½ months and the idea of leaving all of my friends/family again was very unsettling. However knowing that I had existing relationships up here made it much easier and after spending time with them all over the past week I’m confident in my decision.

"I'm Gonna Make it After All!"

Well this week I finally did it...moved to the Big Apple! I had a lot of time to think throughout my 16 hour drive from Atlanta. I thought about what to expect at my job, what train I would take into the city every day, what to wear, etc. But for the most part I prepared myself to hate the people. I thought they would be the number one reason I would go running back home in December.

After growing up in the south my whole life I've learned we have a sense of "southern charm" you won't find anywhere else. Since I am so fortunate to have a dad that works for Delta Airlines I travel to the northeast many times a year and typically come home thinking "Northerners are so rude and obnoxious." I had a long talk during my drive with my Jersey-raised dad because I didn't know if I should keep my friendly ways in the city and let people assume they could take advantage of me. He told me, "Jack, just because you're moving somewhere different doesn't mean you have to change who you are." So when I came into the city last Monday morning I was prepared for people to run me down on the sidewalk and for no one at work to learn my name or talk to me (a lowly intern) until I proved myself worthy. Boy was I wrong!

I could not be happier at Peppercom. The moment I walked in the door someone greeted me and spent the morning showing me the ropes. He took me to lunch and introduced me to every single person in the office. Each person I met said "Let me know if I can help you!" in some form. All week I received Google Talk messages from various people asking how things were going and if I needed any help. I received an email my second day from Peppercom's co-founder, Steve Cody, after I commented on his blog telling me to "stop by" and meet him. Needless to say I was shocked! Maybe I've watched The Devil Wear's Prada one too many times. Whatever the case, I packed some tough skin to come work up here and I'm so grateful I haven't had to use it...yet.



I have also discovered that people on the street aren't all that different from down south. Yes, they may be wrapped up in their Blackberry's and many won't look your way, but I have encountered many helpful people. I even had someone offer to help carry my suitcase up the stairs the other day and another ask if I was lost (which I definitely was!) and needed help on the street. I've learned that if you ask anything with a smile and that "southern charm" I know so well, people are usually happy to help.

Now don't get me wrong, not everyone has met me with a smile and open arms, but I am so happy to be here and to remove the stereotype from my mind. I get so very frustrated when people assume all southerners wave Confederate flags and drive pickup trucks; I'm disappointed in myself for being just as guilty by stereotyping Manhattan people.

Note: I will NEVER consider myself to be a Yankee, but as Mary Tyler Moore would say, I think...

"I'm gonna make it after all!"